Equinox

It's the equinox.  Happy Mabon!

I used to love the long, hot days of summer.  The hotter, the better.  The more humid, the better.  Longer light lifted me.

Now though, I'm happy it's the autumn equinox.  Want the shorter days and longer nights.  Less light.  Our son, struggling with bipolar disorder and home now, on so many, many drugs, seems to do so much better in the time of less light, the time of less warmth.  He's slowly improving.  Starts an outpatient psychiatric program next week.  Again.  Like last year.

Only this isn't like last year.  This year, I've kept working.  I am stone.  Falling apart won't make any of this any better for me, or for him, or for my patient and silently strong husband, or for his older brother.  I need to hold on.  Advocate for him.  And, so importantly, stand back.  He's 23.  He will have to be compliant with the medication requirements, live his life, make his choices, recognize his illness and also see how much more he is than just that.  That he is not defined by it.

Still long days ahead.  However, not so long as the summer ones I used to love.  Crisp, shorter, cooler days and I see him in his eyes again, a little bit.  It seems that he wasn't there for so long.

Prescribed Behaviours

We're going to the hospital again today.  Most of our time revolves around when we can go, how long we can stay, what we will bring, how things will go.  On weekends, we can spend longer in the afternoons with him and come home for dinner.  During the week, Ron picks me up from work and we go over, taking an hour break to go grab something to eat in a restaurant.

We were saying yesterday that he doesn't seem much different.  On the up side, he does not appear to have progressed and become worse.  Maybe we just have to be more vigilant.  Maybe, if it is caught sooner, a change in meds will stop it from coming on full force.  Or maybe, maybe this will be it and he won't have to go through this any more.  Maybe all the things he works so hard for the rest of the time will be allowed to exist for him.  Maybe the school and the job and the girl will all be there when this is over.  Again.

Never Easy.

We thought he was okay, but gradually, as the days have gotten sunnier and warmer, we saw him slipping.

He has slipped and fallen.  Now he's fallen further.  It's like trying to reach into a huge, dark void and find him.  My heart is breaking.

Things will change.  Time passes.  The universe unfolds.  Nothing is static.

I have to believe this.

Reinvention

I recently read a blog that re-inspired me to perhaps take this on again.  It's been a few zillion years and events since blogging - maybe it's time to reinvent my world online.

Lets see,
Moved up the job ladder.
Had a child move back home after a practice marriage and then move back out again a few years later with the real thing.
Had a child go through excruciating mental illness and thought we'd lost him, but am tentatively of the belief that he's going to be okay.
Have a sister diagnosed with stage IV cancer, who continues to inspire me with her strength and joy of life.
Still take lots of photos.
Continue to believe that life is an exceptional, exquisite gift.

Longstanding motto:  "Nothing is static".

Perhaps I will blog again for a bit.

Winter 2008/09

Haven't maintained the blogging. However, links to my digital images, which pretty much document my world, can be made through the flickr mosiac on the side panel.

Best regards to all,
Sue

Autumn

Whoa. Too long since I’ve blogged and too much going on to make excuses. Will just try and do a quick catch up instead.

Just back from Montreal, where my two sisters and I got together (one of whom lives there). Love the city and it was wonderful and colder than Toronto and has me all geared up now for Winter. My sister’s in-laws are Hungarian and between the amazing meals we came up with and their contribution to incredible dinners, it’s surprising I haven’t exploded. Great food, great company and a great time. Terrific to check out the city and get some photos in, which I’ll post soon.

Current life is completely consumed with the conference my friend and colleague, Sarah, and I are doing. Even though limited to only Ontario, and with a cap attendance that we never in a million years thought we’d achieve, we’re totally at maximum registration and have a waiting list. Yikes! Anyway, it’s fun, has brought the people we work with together in amazing ways and is teaching me quite a lot. Is in three more weekends (oh my God!). We have a great dinner planned post-conference and it is so exciting that, for the first time in this province, our profession is coming together, both professionally and socially. We’ve had interest expressed from other groups out of province and in the U.S. - suspect that we’ll be doing this on a larger scale in the future.

Still doing yoga daily. It is what keeps me grounded (and definitely what keeps me in shape). Am completely into photography. Each day there are new and wonderful things to capture. I am always aware of how the experience of disease and recognition of personal mortality have allowed me the opportunity to glimpse the beauty of life. I am so grateful.

Music continues to colour my world, but I’ve been so obsessed with other things that there hasn’t been much chance to follow what’s new. Looking forward to after the conference when there will be more time to focus on music. My niece and I are going to see Death Cab for Cutie at Massey Hall on Halloween, which I’m really looking forward to.

Meanwhile, the leaves have all changed and the cold air is here. Another Winter approaches. How quickly the years slide by now…
Sue

Summer Daze

Hot, hazy summer days. Really hot. Hottest I can recall in Toronto, with the temperature up in the high 30s lately, over 40 with the humidity. No complaints – these are the days I dream about in the gray winter cold. Love the warmth and the sun on my face.

We’ve been fortunate to spend a lot of time during June and July up at the cottage (hence all the cottage pics). Back to reality now; work and the city for the rest of the summer. Perhaps we’ll have a chance to get out to Western Ontario to visit friends for a weekend at the end of August. Am hopeful.

Work busy: no “summer slow down” at the hospital. It seems that with every surgeon’s vacation, another is booked in for o.r. time immediately. Space/time is at such a premium everywhere. Have had some very interesting cases lately, with much detail and complexity. Transfer out to one of our satellite sites for the next two weeks, and then to another for the end two weeks of the month. Love the variety of the work. Am hoping to get the conference that my colleague from another hospital and I have planned more organized over the next month, so that we can pull it all together for the late fall.

Kids are good. James working like crazy and making plans for school at least part-time in September. Phillip completed his summer school courses and is waiting to start work until he must return for grade 11 in September.

City is busy and fun! Caribana, the huge Caribbean street festival is this weekend (http://www.caribana.com/), with over a million extra people in town for the festivities! Caught some of the costumes yesterday – spectacular! It’s a long weekend (yay!), so I’ll try and get out and about to do some city walking and photography.

Purchased the new camera with the plethora of gift certificates for Henry’s that everyone was so kind to give me for birthday prezzies. Canon SD700 IS. Totally rocks! Haven’t played with half the things it will do yet, but love what I’ve discovered so far. Am really enjoying the online photo site Flickr – an opportunity to see some really great photography and connect with people globally.

Only current down side is that my youngest sister, Sally, has herniated a disc = psychedelic pain and almost total immobility. Pretty awful for someone who is normally extremely active. She’s been like this for over a month now, with no improvement and, in fact, some worsening of her symptoms. Back to the surgeon again next week for another consult. Am trying to get up there as much as possible to help out. Thankfully, her daughter is at home from university for the summer and is able to provide huge assistance.

I was in for the “one year post treatment follow-up” appointment. Had blood tests and the annual ultrasound. All looking good – have a little pancreatic cyst that we’ll keep an eye on, but nothing crazy going on. Sadly, the fabulous curly hair that I’d developed post-chemo seems to have this week decided to depart – now straight again. Darn!!! Was really liking those curls. Ah well, one thing I’ve gained from all of this is to appreciate what ever good things come along, for however long they last, and that each day brings new opportunities. Nothing is static.

Sue